Post by jlbear71 on Mar 25, 2020 19:38:40 GMT -5
God, where do I start?!?
This is long because I have all the words.
Note: There is a group text with all siblings and me to keep everyone informed of Mom when stuff happens.
Wednesday, Feb 19th, I took MIL to Urgent Care (UC). She was having upper right quadrant pain. Diagnosed with constipation due to dehydration. Saturday while we are driving to DSS and DIL 2 hours away, we get a call from UC that she has plural efficacy. They prescribe meds, we have neighbor pick them up.
Monday, she was not feeling, worse even. I am on my way to my annual women wellness visit so I tell her to call an ambulance and met her at ER. It is either pneumonia or congestive heart failure. Admitted.
Tuesday, she was diagnosed with scabies. WTF!!! We have no idea how. Immediately work on having her house deep cleaned over the next several days. All furniture and carpets steamed, DH did the bathroom, I did her mattress, hired out to empty her kitchen cabinets and wash everything. Bedroom was done too. All clothing, bedding, whatnot sent to cleaners.
She was moved there Friday. When they went over the meds list, they said aspirin. I forgot the reason why but she is not to be on it. After talking to the Social Worker on Saturday, I have no idea how much time I have since she was doing well at rehab. Tuesday was being looked at for discharge. Well, on Tuesday morning, she had an incident with PT where she got very weak and went down slowly. No injury from that but she told them that she had blood in her stool. Back to the hospital.
After a few days of no food, upper and lower GI tests done. Ulcers inflamed from aspirin. Back to rehab on Saturday the 7th. I tried to visit on Monday but found out they were on lockdown already from COVID. So, we did phone instead of visits. MIL was doing better than she had been for a while. When we picked her up the following Saturday, she was practically running with the walker to the car.
She wanted to go to her house, not ours. So we took her home. We did plenty of shopping for TV dinners to supplement the meals on wheels she is getting. Monday was visiting nurse, Tuesday PT.
Wednesday, we stopped to have dinner with her after work. I got there first and while she was not feeling that good since she fell and hit her head again, we got to sorting some of her dresses that she no longer wears. She only kept one, the one she wanted to be buried in someday (remember this for later). DH and I also took out the bedframe and switched out the nightstand. She could not touch the floor with the frame. Reminded her to wear socks with grips and to get up slowly (she like to get up and go).
Thursday OT showed up and called me. They were concerned since she said she fell and hit her head. Turns out she had a really nice black eye now. She was also worried about her stability so was going to have PT order her a walker to use at home. We also talked about some other safety features that DH and I were going to do.
Friday PT showed up and called me. She was very concerned since MIL told her she fell at least twice this week. We only knew about once. MIL was also having difficulty getting to a standing position. PT called her primary after she left. I also spoke to PCP who wanted her to go to ER, he called ahead. When I got to MIL, she could not even see to put on her shoes. So, I call ambulance to transport her.
I meet her at the ER at 1:00. They were not going to let me in until I stated that I am her patient advocate and she was not coherent enough to make her own decisions. I get back there, and they have her all hooked up, running EKGs and whatnot. Her A-Fib is not stable. There is talk that if they can stabilize her, transferring her for a pacemaker. She is all for it. Except they cannot get her stable. I ask if DH should be here since he is her Durable Power of Attorney. They say yes. Still not able to get her stable. I ask if the rest of her kids should be notified, they say probably a good idea. They are asking what her wishes are. I say she is still able to make that decision. She says full work on if codes and that I can make the decision if DH is not there. They ask me outside the room what I would do. They asked me if I agreed with her decision. I had to honestly answer that I did not agree with that decision, that lifesaving measures would harm her more than help her.
I am trying to contact all siblings and stress that Mom is NOT stable, and things do not look good. Get here. Meanwhile, DH is finally texting me that he is on his way at 3:00. He asks what I need. I respond “YOU”. He arrives at 3:30. MIL still unstable. The more meds they push, her heart stabilizes but the rest of her starts failing. They ask DH what to do. He and I talk briefly. Pull back the heart meds and see what happens. Still not stabilizing. We direct to comfort care – morphine and oxygen only. SIL3 arrives around 5:00 with BIL3 and Nephew4. DH and I head out to car to get my phone charger since my phone is almost dead. DSS and DIL arrive. There are 7 of us in the ER with MIL. MIL has been pretty out of it since 4:30 when we moved to comfort care. Finally move us upstairs to a private room around 7:00. Comedy of errors as security tries to find an elevator that will take up to that floor (old hospital). BIL2 arrives.
Somewhere in all the earlier calls, I also notify N2 & 3 who said their dad, BIL1, was waiting to come down and would tell them what was going on then. I told them to get their asses down here if they wanted to see her alive. I was overriding their father – they are 32 & 28 years old. They say they are on their way. Wait, they need to turn around and get their father who was not going to come down. Texting going on with DSS and N2, N3.
I am fucking exhausted. We have no idea how long this will take. DH and I decide to leave. I had not eaten since breakfast except for a small piece of tomato pie the ER Doc got me so I would not be a patient as well. I kiss MIL and whisper in her ear that I love her and this is her terms not ours. We leave.
BIL and Ns are still at least an hour away. DH and I are on our way home. I get a call from DH about 15 minutes after we left asking if I heard from DSS. MIL waited until we left. Meanwhile DH and I are separately driving home down the highway doing 75 miles an hour. I cannot lose it while driving so I call DHs cousin to keep me calm until I get home. DSS took her personal things home with him.
Saturday morning. I text asking if someone was going to make the arrangements. I am just thinking that she does not need to remain in the morgue and can go to the funeral home (FH). SIL responds that she did not. Did BIL2? Can we? So, we make the arrangements to have MIL moved to FH. Set up appointment for Sunday at 1:00. Ask everyone if this Saturday is good for everyone. BIL2 says yes. SIL3 and BIL1 finally respond Sunday morning when we say we are on our way to FH. I thought maybe one of them would meet us there. NOPE. We plan the funeral and graveside with zero input from siblings.
Head to MILs house to clean out the perishables and take valuables home with us. Because everyone knows you don’t leave valuables in an empty house. I look for the dress that MIL just picked out on Wednesday. Not hanging in the closet I put it in. It was an empty closet!!! Not anywhere to be found. Texted siblings what we were doing and informed them of arrangements. BIL1 responded that I needed to step aside now and let the siblings handle it. I was LIVID! After we calmed down a bit, DH texted asking BIL2 what to do since he was sole executor. He said to slow down and thanked me for everything I am doing. We left the valuables in the house.
And it is still just me and DH handling everything. We did get approval on the obit from siblings but that is it. I am so angry and hurt. I am hoping that I can contain myself on Saturday.
BIL is the one who wants to get a dumpster and sell so he can get his money.
I have copies of MILs will including the changes she wanted made 5 years ago. She told me she wanted me in the will. I told her no unless she was putting in the other in-laws. She did take me out. Well, she left copies of the changes she wanted with me in it but noted that I requested to not be put in the will. The will does read that BIL1, BIL2 and SIL3 get 24% and DH gets 28%. But what she wanted was BIL2, SIL3 and DH get 25%, BIL1 get 20% and I get 5%. I am really, really glad I told her to take me out. She also wanted me as an alternate executor before BIL1.
There is so much more but those are the basics.
We have been the front line for years. I have been her primary caretaker. I know all her history. I am a bit lost. It is like empty-nest syndrome.
This is long because I have all the words.
Note: There is a group text with all siblings and me to keep everyone informed of Mom when stuff happens.
Wednesday, Feb 19th, I took MIL to Urgent Care (UC). She was having upper right quadrant pain. Diagnosed with constipation due to dehydration. Saturday while we are driving to DSS and DIL 2 hours away, we get a call from UC that she has plural efficacy. They prescribe meds, we have neighbor pick them up.
Monday, she was not feeling, worse even. I am on my way to my annual women wellness visit so I tell her to call an ambulance and met her at ER. It is either pneumonia or congestive heart failure. Admitted.
Tuesday, she was diagnosed with scabies. WTF!!! We have no idea how. Immediately work on having her house deep cleaned over the next several days. All furniture and carpets steamed, DH did the bathroom, I did her mattress, hired out to empty her kitchen cabinets and wash everything. Bedroom was done too. All clothing, bedding, whatnot sent to cleaners.
She was moved there Friday. When they went over the meds list, they said aspirin. I forgot the reason why but she is not to be on it. After talking to the Social Worker on Saturday, I have no idea how much time I have since she was doing well at rehab. Tuesday was being looked at for discharge. Well, on Tuesday morning, she had an incident with PT where she got very weak and went down slowly. No injury from that but she told them that she had blood in her stool. Back to the hospital.
After a few days of no food, upper and lower GI tests done. Ulcers inflamed from aspirin. Back to rehab on Saturday the 7th. I tried to visit on Monday but found out they were on lockdown already from COVID. So, we did phone instead of visits. MIL was doing better than she had been for a while. When we picked her up the following Saturday, she was practically running with the walker to the car.
She wanted to go to her house, not ours. So we took her home. We did plenty of shopping for TV dinners to supplement the meals on wheels she is getting. Monday was visiting nurse, Tuesday PT.
Wednesday, we stopped to have dinner with her after work. I got there first and while she was not feeling that good since she fell and hit her head again, we got to sorting some of her dresses that she no longer wears. She only kept one, the one she wanted to be buried in someday (remember this for later). DH and I also took out the bedframe and switched out the nightstand. She could not touch the floor with the frame. Reminded her to wear socks with grips and to get up slowly (she like to get up and go).
Thursday OT showed up and called me. They were concerned since she said she fell and hit her head. Turns out she had a really nice black eye now. She was also worried about her stability so was going to have PT order her a walker to use at home. We also talked about some other safety features that DH and I were going to do.
Friday PT showed up and called me. She was very concerned since MIL told her she fell at least twice this week. We only knew about once. MIL was also having difficulty getting to a standing position. PT called her primary after she left. I also spoke to PCP who wanted her to go to ER, he called ahead. When I got to MIL, she could not even see to put on her shoes. So, I call ambulance to transport her.
I meet her at the ER at 1:00. They were not going to let me in until I stated that I am her patient advocate and she was not coherent enough to make her own decisions. I get back there, and they have her all hooked up, running EKGs and whatnot. Her A-Fib is not stable. There is talk that if they can stabilize her, transferring her for a pacemaker. She is all for it. Except they cannot get her stable. I ask if DH should be here since he is her Durable Power of Attorney. They say yes. Still not able to get her stable. I ask if the rest of her kids should be notified, they say probably a good idea. They are asking what her wishes are. I say she is still able to make that decision. She says full work on if codes and that I can make the decision if DH is not there. They ask me outside the room what I would do. They asked me if I agreed with her decision. I had to honestly answer that I did not agree with that decision, that lifesaving measures would harm her more than help her.
I am trying to contact all siblings and stress that Mom is NOT stable, and things do not look good. Get here. Meanwhile, DH is finally texting me that he is on his way at 3:00. He asks what I need. I respond “YOU”. He arrives at 3:30. MIL still unstable. The more meds they push, her heart stabilizes but the rest of her starts failing. They ask DH what to do. He and I talk briefly. Pull back the heart meds and see what happens. Still not stabilizing. We direct to comfort care – morphine and oxygen only. SIL3 arrives around 5:00 with BIL3 and Nephew4. DH and I head out to car to get my phone charger since my phone is almost dead. DSS and DIL arrive. There are 7 of us in the ER with MIL. MIL has been pretty out of it since 4:30 when we moved to comfort care. Finally move us upstairs to a private room around 7:00. Comedy of errors as security tries to find an elevator that will take up to that floor (old hospital). BIL2 arrives.
Somewhere in all the earlier calls, I also notify N2 & 3 who said their dad, BIL1, was waiting to come down and would tell them what was going on then. I told them to get their asses down here if they wanted to see her alive. I was overriding their father – they are 32 & 28 years old. They say they are on their way. Wait, they need to turn around and get their father who was not going to come down. Texting going on with DSS and N2, N3.
I am fucking exhausted. We have no idea how long this will take. DH and I decide to leave. I had not eaten since breakfast except for a small piece of tomato pie the ER Doc got me so I would not be a patient as well. I kiss MIL and whisper in her ear that I love her and this is her terms not ours. We leave.
BIL and Ns are still at least an hour away. DH and I are on our way home. I get a call from DH about 15 minutes after we left asking if I heard from DSS. MIL waited until we left. Meanwhile DH and I are separately driving home down the highway doing 75 miles an hour. I cannot lose it while driving so I call DHs cousin to keep me calm until I get home. DSS took her personal things home with him.
Saturday morning. I text asking if someone was going to make the arrangements. I am just thinking that she does not need to remain in the morgue and can go to the funeral home (FH). SIL responds that she did not. Did BIL2? Can we? So, we make the arrangements to have MIL moved to FH. Set up appointment for Sunday at 1:00. Ask everyone if this Saturday is good for everyone. BIL2 says yes. SIL3 and BIL1 finally respond Sunday morning when we say we are on our way to FH. I thought maybe one of them would meet us there. NOPE. We plan the funeral and graveside with zero input from siblings.
Head to MILs house to clean out the perishables and take valuables home with us. Because everyone knows you don’t leave valuables in an empty house. I look for the dress that MIL just picked out on Wednesday. Not hanging in the closet I put it in. It was an empty closet!!! Not anywhere to be found. Texted siblings what we were doing and informed them of arrangements. BIL1 responded that I needed to step aside now and let the siblings handle it. I was LIVID! After we calmed down a bit, DH texted asking BIL2 what to do since he was sole executor. He said to slow down and thanked me for everything I am doing. We left the valuables in the house.
And it is still just me and DH handling everything. We did get approval on the obit from siblings but that is it. I am so angry and hurt. I am hoping that I can contain myself on Saturday.
BIL is the one who wants to get a dumpster and sell so he can get his money.
I have copies of MILs will including the changes she wanted made 5 years ago. She told me she wanted me in the will. I told her no unless she was putting in the other in-laws. She did take me out. Well, she left copies of the changes she wanted with me in it but noted that I requested to not be put in the will. The will does read that BIL1, BIL2 and SIL3 get 24% and DH gets 28%. But what she wanted was BIL2, SIL3 and DH get 25%, BIL1 get 20% and I get 5%. I am really, really glad I told her to take me out. She also wanted me as an alternate executor before BIL1.
There is so much more but those are the basics.
We have been the front line for years. I have been her primary caretaker. I know all her history. I am a bit lost. It is like empty-nest syndrome.
© 2011 -- 
Crap, the Name Escapes Me 
