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Post by gavinsnanna on Dec 30, 2011 10:38:14 GMT -5
I looked and didn't see a thread for this. I would like to chat with those who have faced this or will be facing this.
We lost my dad in July. The live on the lake about an hour from me and my 3 brothers..(we live within 10-20 of each other)
Mom is so sad, she cries and she is up there alone. I know she needs time to grieve, but we don't want her up there all alone in a house and not doing anything. She has gone to being busy taking care of my Dad, to nothing.
She refuses grief counseling, even though we have tried to talk to her about it.. I know it will help her, it helped me when I lost my husband. I also tried to talk to her about temporarily taking anti-depressants.. well, that didn't go over well.
My 3 brothers and I , with our Mom are getting together sometime this weekend to discuss her roof (which has a leak and needs replacing), moving her down here, and counseling.
She is now talking as if she does want to move down here with us. She will live with me and my brothers will fix up a bedroom for her in each of their homes so she can have her own place with each of them and visit us.
She use to be active in Church and the Church she goes to has a very big and active Church close to me. A nice Senior program etc. They take trips and she hasn't been able to do this in a long time with my Dad's illness.
Anyone else going thru this, or have gone thru this? How did/do you approach your parent about Grief Counseling and/or antidepressants?
Any advice or experience you have had will help.
Thanks
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Post by snerdley on Dec 30, 2011 11:02:28 GMT -5
Hi nana. I am so sorry to hear about you losing your dad. That is tough. My mom is a widow as well. The best advice i can give is what someone said to us "Don't do ANYTHING for a year". Don't make any major life changes in her life, don't move, jump into to something new, sell off stuff or whatever. This takes time to grieve and to find a new path in life. Then after a year, if she wants to move, at that point, i would consider that.
First, i would look at finances. Most people really don't want to live with their kids. They have been independent and want their own space, lifestyle. It might sound idyllic to live together but the little things like how hot or cool to keep the house and stuff like that can become issues. Or, you might not clean to suit or or vice versa, or maybe she makes toast and lives the crumbs on the counter or vice versa. There are lots of little things that make living with others difficult if you have been previously independent. Is there an apt nearby in your town that you may consider as well? After my dad passed, my mom stayed in the family home for a few years then we moved her down to our town and she got a one floor apt. That has worked out really well. That way she had her space, independence and so forth.
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Post by snerdley on Dec 30, 2011 11:06:30 GMT -5
Another point as well, is that you have to let her find her own level. She may not want grief counseling or antidepressants. Some of the WWIIers just won't accept that and that isn't their way to cope. And, i would not push her into trying to be social, joining groups or whatever. She just may not be up for that. And, she will be depressed and crying and sometimes you have to just step back and let that play out. Recently, my mom has been moved from her apt to Assisted Living and facing the loss of her mobility, independence, etc. She pretty much has been crying nonstop. I realized i just have to let her cry though that is very hard. However, this past week she seems to be moving past that a bit into more acceptance to her condition. We were even able to joke and laugh a bit.
I guess i am just saying is to give it time. And, that we all need time to feel all of our feelings, even the bad ones.
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Post by gavinsnanna on Dec 30, 2011 11:10:07 GMT -5
Hey Snerds, thanks.. We have discussed building a Mother n law at my house. We also discussed with Mom not making any major decisions and she agrees. It will take a while for all this to happen.. so within the next year or so. We are just trying to prepare for it. She comes down and stays with me a lot.. I agree.. this is a toughie!  |
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Post by femme on Dec 30, 2011 11:15:45 GMT -5
Awww Nana...I feel for you. I am sorry you are having to go through this. Maybe you could sit her down and talk to her really nicely about the anti depressants and some therapy. I really think she needs that. Do you feel comfortable with her moving in? Does she? Maybe you 2 just need to sit down and have a heart to heart to figure out what solution seems the best for her. Listen to her thoughts as well as yours. It is good that you are such a caring and loving daughter. I love ya hun, hope you are ok. 
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Post by gavinsnanna on Dec 30, 2011 11:30:10 GMT -5
Me and my brothers are sitting down with her this weekend to discuss the roof repair, and moving down. and Getting counseling.. We will ease it in..
I want my mom with me! I am very close to my parents.. being the only girl.. I feel like I have to protect her as well. Can't help it.
I'm ok.. I just hate seeing my Mom so upset and sad.. I doubt we can convince her to take Anti-depressants, (the doctor suggested it, but again she said heck no) But I think we can get her to counsel with her Minister weekly and I know it will help.
Thanks Femme.. Love you too! Happy New year
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Post by femme on Dec 30, 2011 11:44:18 GMT -5
Happy New Year Nana. 
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Post by Miss Who on Dec 30, 2011 12:08:12 GMT -5
Hi nanna, I'm so sorry you just lost your Dad.I hope you don't mind me sticking my oar in here. I do agree with snerd and femme to a certain extent. I would suggest you wait for your Mum, to ask for the help you would so dearly love to give her. Not everyone actually needs counseling or antidepressants, if your Mum has refused them, then leave it at that, she'll know when she needs to ask for that sort of help. Just being where she can find you when she needs you is probably all she needs and wants. Don't forget she has been a Mum a long time and has been used to making all her own decisions and wouldn't want anyone to take that away from her. Let your Mum make the first move and the suggestions. That's just my thoughts and feelings on the subject. Hope things work out to the best way for your Mum.
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Post by gavinsnanna on Dec 30, 2011 12:41:14 GMT -5
Oh, Miss Who.. I can always rely on your words of wisdom.
Thank you so much.. and you are right.. baby steps..
She is on her way down to my house now.. to celebrate New years.
Going to finish up some stuff.
Happy New Year Everyone!
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Post by Miss Who on Dec 30, 2011 14:12:28 GMT -5
Happy new year nanna.
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Post by maybaline on Dec 30, 2011 15:57:37 GMT -5
Who I totally agree with you. When my Mum lost my Dad she said, I am a grown up and can deal with what ever life throws at me, just be there when I need you, cry with me, laugh with me,share the memory's and we will get through it together
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Post by Miss Who on Dec 31, 2011 6:04:24 GMT -5
May, that's the best thing anyone can do when a parent becomes bereaved. One needs to remember unasked for help is interference, no matter how well meaning.
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Post by gavinsnanna on Dec 31, 2011 8:33:01 GMT -5
Woke up with a cold and drainage in the chest.. ugh... Happy New year! |
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Post by snerdley on Dec 31, 2011 9:39:09 GMT -5
Hope ya feel better. HNY!  |
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Post by gavinsnanna on Jan 4, 2012 19:00:51 GMT -5
I feel better now. New Years was a bust.. |
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Post by Miss Who on Jan 11, 2012 11:39:55 GMT -5
Hi nanna, how are things with your mum?
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Post by lonewolf on Jan 11, 2012 13:02:37 GMT -5
Just saw this, Nana. Sorry to hear about your dad. Your mom is living with you, right?
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Crap, the Name Escapes Me 
