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Post by snerdley on Dec 23, 2011 16:42:03 GMT -5
Roy, what do you to that is together to care for one another and the household.
I feel real un-appreciated for the last year. My job entails 60-70 hr weeks. I get home, I then cook dinner, for us, dinner I shopped for. No thank you, no, I love you. When I ask the question, OK what's going on, I get a fight. She works one day in two weeks, The rest of the time she watches TV, cleans her area, or goes bike riding. Not great. I provide, a roof, clothes, food, love (until a year ago). Now I'm ambivelant. Even our daughter looks at her with a question? We still go swapmeeting together, movies, trips, those are fun. But again, I'm providing all the planning and entertainment. So! It feels very onesided.
Have you expressed this to your wife? Sometimes we get so bogged down in life we forget to really appreciate and love one another. And, in some relationships ,one is simply more of a starter than the other. Try to appreciate the good qualities that she brings. But, have you considered some counseling or taking some courses on "Fireproofing" your marriage at church and so forth? For DH and i, we spent too many years demanding our "rights" in our marriage instead of tending to one another. We had too much one upsmanship and not enough attitude of submission and serving one another. Now, we go out of our way to really try to help one another and do things for one another and now we have a strong marriage. And, things we don't agree on, well we just agree to disagree.
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Post by daphne87 on Dec 23, 2011 21:04:51 GMT -5
Wow Roy -- so sorry you and your wife are going through all of that. I'm going to show my husband a little "appreciation" tonight, for taking such good care of me!
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Post by Forever Sunshine on Dec 23, 2011 21:07:23 GMT -5
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Post by daphne87 on Dec 23, 2011 21:08:01 GMT -5
Tee hee!
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Post by Coldwarrior on Dec 23, 2011 22:07:32 GMT -5
I've only been married to the same woman for 46 years. Any help would be appreciated.
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Post by isa on Dec 23, 2011 22:45:14 GMT -5
Hello, Star, I can see you are keen to explain what marriage is to me. This is very kind but it isn’t really necessary because I already know what marriage is. I was enquiring as to how you feel it is a social necessity that is conducive to security.
Thank you for the information about Jane Austin. I hope she comes up in my next pub quiz!
Hmm… I don’t believe I said marriage has faded away. I think I considered it amongst archaic religious practices which no longer serve the purposes they once might have. I don’t suppose it’s a coincidence that the study you posted was compiled by a Christian think-tank.
Exactly as stated - it is an institution born of egotism. A cynical view perhaps but no less than the one you have presented above. I’m a little surprised TBH, Star, because the conception of marriage you are presenting seems to have little to do with love and more to do with the craving of social status - a toxic influence that causes great turmoil within society. It is a curious strategy to use in your endeavour to defend marriage; you are providing evidence that compels me to condemn the institution more harshly than I would otherwise wish to. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes, Shirina, I’ve seen that too. Fear and insecurity are rife in both sexes; the cause of much irrational behaviour. lol dragonladies.
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Post by shirina on Dec 24, 2011 3:25:13 GMT -5
Hehe, yep.
I had this one friend named Brian, great guy and we used to have a lot of fun together taking road trips, gaming with other friends, etc. We went to college together, partied together, yada yada.
Well, he ended up marrying a dragonlady named Gwen. We were all friends - I was even a bridesmaid in their wedding. But once the wedding was over and the actual marriage part began, that whip of hers began cracking. She refused to allow Brian to have ANY fun without her, and I do mean ANY.
At one point, Gwen worked 2nd shift, so a bunch of us would go to Brian's house while she was at work. But we weren't even allowed to throw away our trash in his garbage can. The reason is because Gwen would see the extra trash and know that Brian had had friends over while she was at work. That was a big no-no, so we had to take our trash with us.
Once she came home early while we were still there. Wow, talk about fireworks! I mean, we were her friends, too, so I never understood why she was so upset about us being there. At any rate, after that night, I rarely ever saw Brian any more and we lost touch.
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Post by snerdley on Dec 24, 2011 5:40:07 GMT -5
Marriage is the wonderful union of 2 human beings intertwining their lives. And, yes, in marriage we become dependent on one another in many respects. I personally do not view that as a bad thing. And, as a female, during childbearing years, one often becomes vulnerable and their is the need for the family union. I think childbearing and motherhood are a high calling and yes it may require sacrifice in terms of one's career and lifestlye to do so. Same with marriage. It no longer becomes all about me but all about "we" instead. I do not view marriage as somehow derogatory or archaic or whatever. If you do, fine. Your choice.
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Post by Spellbound454 on Dec 24, 2011 6:28:56 GMT -5
I think the insecurities arise when one or other partner starts to behave as though they are not married and starts to neglect the family unit.
There is a lot at stake....children....intertwined incomes, mortgage and the security and promise of a future together and everything you have worked hard to achieve.
If you are going to venture into that relationship it is a sacred bond and you cannot afford to neglect the partner... or it will fail.
People on the outside should not be interfering in that union either... I've known women who find married men attractive and try to tempt them out of their bond.....only to discard them when they have lost everything.
The term "marriage wrecker" is no longer used in popular dialogue...but its as true today and causes the same amount of heartbreak as it always has, often lasting decades after the woman has had her bit of entertainment......and the men are too stupid to see it coming.
There can be an amount of agreed freedom between couples which ofsets their relationships and is beneficial to the union because it allows for more fulfillment......but it should not be detrimental..and if it is it should stop.
Marriage is a great institution and beneficial if a couple are wanting to raise children.....Its hard for a woman to be a single parent...and life limiting for years.
Ideally the man would be there to share the load.......but too often he isn't.
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Post by starlight07 on Dec 24, 2011 7:25:15 GMT -5
Hello Astro, It's what I've mentioned that what one can vow for and have put in their marriage contract. It's almost like a pact between the partners. But something everyone in the society is now aware off. In my opinion, marriage provides a foundation for a family unit too. It's bond which is legal and recognised and to some degree respected. lol, that wasn't much info but if you like I can be your phone-a-friend at your next pub quiz. ;D There will be organisations and agendas that are in the least religious and have conducted surveys in hope for some statistics (yet they have supported the ideas of marriage due to reasons a, b or c). Yes, social status is my main emphasis/focus for marriage because I can't emphasis on marriage for love with yourself since marriage for love is only one reason/type of marriage and that can easily fire back at me. One can marry for wealth, one can marry for the sake of their family, children, etc. As you'll note after marriage one becomes Mr and Mrs. I don't wish to think I'm providing you with any evidence that compels you to condemn the institution of marriage more harshly than you would otherwise wish to do so. Isn't that a bit cold? In fact you have readily decided that marriage is something which doesn't interest you and is an unnecessary act of union...my thoughts or words will not affect you. I'm not cold to think marriage is all social status and I would rather marry for love but to put it fair, one can love without marriage. Marriage is just giving a label to a bond or union which makes it recognisable. I don't know but I can provide you with one example that may still be relevant somewhere in the world. A child that is born out of wedlock is called a bastard and in some communities and cultures that child is looked down upon which is sad because being called a bastard is a slur. The child doesn't lead a life that they may wish to. Bullied perhaps too in childhood or in later years. If that child was born within wedlock then there would have been no problems.
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Post by roygrip on Dec 24, 2011 8:53:42 GMT -5
roy: I love you and appreciate you for ALL the things you do.
;D ;D
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Post by snerdley on Dec 24, 2011 8:55:32 GMT -5
That's what marriage needs. More love and appreciation all around.
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Post by roygrip on Dec 24, 2011 9:05:22 GMT -5
I feel real un-appreciated for the last year. My job entails 60-70 hr weeks. I get home, I then cook dinner, for us, dinner I shopped for. No thank you, no, I love you. When I ask the question, OK what's going on, I get a fight. She works one day in two weeks, The rest of the time she watches TV, cleans her area, or goes bike riding. Not great. I provide, a roof, clothes, food, love (until a year ago). Now I'm ambivelant. Even our daughter looks at her with a question? We still go swapmeeting together, movies, trips, those are fun. But again, I'm providing all the planning and entertainment. So! It feels very onesided.
Have you expressed this to your wife? Sometimes we get so bogged down in life we forget to really appreciate and love one another. And, in some relationships ,one is simply more of a starter than the other. Try to appreciate the good qualities that she brings. But, have you considered some counseling or taking some courses on "Fireproofing" your marriage at church and so forth? For DH and i, we spent too many years demanding our "rights" in our marriage instead of tending to one another. We had too much one upsmanship and not enough attitude of submission and serving one another. Now, we go out of our way to really try to help one another and do things for one another and now we have a strong marriage. And, things we don't agree on, well we just agree to disagree.
That's really the crux of it Snerd! Both of us are Leo's, both of us are stong willed, both of us are independent. I see the years of demanding, I see the one upmanship. Yes I work at seeing her good qualities, yes there are many. We're working on the "agree to disagree". The "demanding our right" is a big issue right now, more for her than me. I appreciate it. What you said allowed me to see more forest than trees. ;D
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Post by roygrip on Dec 24, 2011 9:08:34 GMT -5
For many years it was "we" suddenly it's "me" in her case. Lack of a job has done a lot to hurt her. My job in the studios, is union, is steady, is basically forever. Her stuggling is a sore point for her, thus for me.
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Post by starlight07 on Dec 24, 2011 9:12:47 GMT -5
Star Signs and Love Match and Compatibility? Now we're talking business. ;D
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Post by snerdley on Dec 24, 2011 9:17:46 GMT -5
roy - We had to live and learn. We spent many years of our marriage butting heads, demanding to be right, demanding that one person do this or that and the other thing. Finally, it seemed to dawn on both us that we just need to chill, that we need to accept one another and stop running each other into the ground. I see so many young couples just push and push one another. They set up their lives to impossible standards and then their marriages fall apart. You have to learn to accept the temperments of one another. There are just some things my spouse isn't interested in doing or can't do and vice versa. It isn't all that important. And, sometimes you lose sight of the relationship when getting so busy. There is a time to shut all those things that distract off and reconnect with your spouse.
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Post by snerdley on Dec 24, 2011 9:18:32 GMT -5
For many years it was "we" suddenly it's "me" in her case. Lack of a job has done a lot to hurt her. My job in the studios, is union, is steady, is basically forever. Her stuggling is a sore point for her, thus for me.
But, the point is that the struggle is together. Not alone.
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Post by roygrip on Dec 24, 2011 9:26:16 GMT -5
roy - We had to live and learn. We spent many years of our marriage butting heads, demanding to be right, demanding that one person do this or that and the other thing. Finally, it seemed to dawn on both us that we just need to chill, that we need to accept one another and stop running each other into the ground. I see so many young couples just push and push one another. They set up their lives to impossible standards and then their marriages fall apart. You have to learn to accept the temperments of one another. There are just some things my spouse isn't interested in doing or can't do and vice versa. It isn't all that important. And, sometimes you lose sight of the relationship when getting so busy. There is a time to shut all those things that distract off and reconnect with your spouse.
We've been at this 32 yrs. You make a good point on my side, during my "season" I work 60-80 hrs a week, so when I come home I collapse, just to do it again in the morning, working this side of a camera is tedious, so, sometimes the LAST thing I want to do is be bothered with household "stuff". The "butting of heads" is the issue now. Poking at me. Yeah, when I write it out like this, it helps me (you've helped me) to see it more clerarly. Back to the drawing board ;D
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Post by roygrip on Dec 24, 2011 9:27:21 GMT -5
For many years it was "we" suddenly it's "me" in her case. Lack of a job has done a lot to hurt her. My job in the studios, is union, is steady, is basically forever. Her stuggling is a sore point for her, thus for me.
But, the point is that the struggle is together. Not alone.
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moxie
Not so new Crapster
SF Shades of Blues
Posts: 205
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Post by moxie on Dec 24, 2011 11:02:03 GMT -5
I think we should tighten our morals somewhat. What I object to, is going out and about and getting hit on every 5 minutes by someone who wants to sleep with you for the price of a coke. ...and even the inference that because you are there.. they have the right to make that assumption. ....and if women weren't so easy we wouldn't have this problem......Bit more respect all round wouldn't go amiss I don't think.
AMEN!!
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