|
Post by snerdley on Dec 24, 2011 16:53:05 GMT -5
Well, i could talk to ya twice as much if i wasn't getting banned all the time!
|
|
|
Post by shirina on Dec 24, 2011 17:10:45 GMT -5
Seeking advice and counsel from other people is not only common but sometimes healthy. It all depends on who you seek that counsel from. Preferably it should be someone honest and unbiased yet still working in the best interest of your relationship. Listening to what "outsiders" see can be extremely helpful because they are not entangled in whatever mess you have between you and your spouse. I think it should be accepted as a given that your spouse is going to talk about your marriage with his/her close friends. Trying to forbid it will only cause more friction.
Again, the problem here is about perception. Old friends often have little "traditions" or "rituals" they've had for years. It may be a sign of affection not necessarily sexual attraction. A hug, a kiss on the cheek, etc. should not be perceived as a threat but it often is. I think it's that territorial nonsense shining through.
I've been amazed at how jealous my boyfriends can get, even over other guys I haven't talked to in years. People in relationships get angry over the stupidest things. "Why didn't you TELL me about that guy you dated back in 10th grade?!?" It's ridiculous, as if you're supposed to hand a new paramour a copy of your autobiography on the first date.
I think it's important to realize that yes, you did have a life before you met him, and yes, you did date other people, and yes, you do have close intimate friends. I believe that a new lover should fit seamlessly into your life ... he shouldn't be a rock dropped into calm waters. If he's so disruptive that you have to change how you interact with everyone else in your life, it's probably not going to work in the long run.
People in relationships often drive themselves half barmy by "reading into" the actions of potential "rivals." If you want to see an amorous glance, an inappropriate hug, a sign of infidelity, then you're going to see it. Often paranoid behavior results in a self-fulfilling prophecy; the paranoid behavior will eventually drive your lover into the arms of someone else.
I have always believed in giving my boyfriends a lot of freedom; unlike many, I have learned how to live with myself, and I don't need him to be at my side in perpetuity. If there is an issue with another person - a former girlfriend or some such - I would rather give him the freedom to screw up so I know what I'm facing than to try and keep him on a leash.
There may be some trepidation at first, that paranoid fear of, "What are they doing together?!" But given time, that fear will subside and you'll be comfortable with the situation. If you simply avoid it, then the fear will never stop plaguing the relationship.
I expect the same "courtesy" in return. Leashes and I do not get on well ... at all.
|
|
|
Post by shirina on Dec 24, 2011 17:11:30 GMT -5
Who is banning you?
|
|
|
Post by snerdley on Dec 24, 2011 17:18:05 GMT -5
I dunno. I went to a 3 day conference in Orlando with my male business partner. Didn't bother my hubby.
|
|
|
Post by femme on Dec 24, 2011 20:08:11 GMT -5
You know, something really rubs me the wrong way when I notice I'm being "smote" without even knowing why. I dropped 3 karma points in a day? Seriously? Not that I care overmuch about my karma score, but if people would rather smite me than actually tangle with me in a debate, I think I'm going to ask that FS remove the karma feature from my account. I would appreciate it if you'd do that, FS. Thanks in advance!
Well, big whoop, i am down 5 karmas today! Not for long, I have your back.
|
|
mtman
Not so new Crapster
Posts: 265
|
Post by mtman on Dec 25, 2011 0:36:23 GMT -5
|
|
|
Post by snerdley on Dec 25, 2011 4:55:38 GMT -5
Well, you need to come in and spread a little love around , then go for the jugular.
|
|
mtman
Not so new Crapster
Posts: 265
|
Post by mtman on Dec 25, 2011 10:24:39 GMT -5
Down -2 yesterday, up 5 today.....Karma's yo yo worse than the stock market.
Merry Christmas everyone. (that's gotta be good for a couple) lol
|
|
|
Post by Spellbound454 on Dec 26, 2011 8:04:56 GMT -5
And what if the ex girlfriend has designs on your husband....and could easily wreck all you have achieved?
Or the ex wife wants him back?
Would you still condone them going out to a movie together...or discussing the intimate details of your relationship? They aren't just friends....I don't believe anyone who has has been in a relationship with sexual intimacies... can just be friends...or give impartial advice.
and I'm fully aware of how manipulative females can be. She may not want him but wouldn't want anyone else to have him either...so that he can forever mourn her loss. They could have broken up acrimoniously and have scores to settle that could impact on your own relationship.....She may want to reignite the flame and let him know what he has lost. Whatever...if its over...it should be over.......and if you dont think that exes can do damage out of intention or spite....I think that's a bit naive.
I would protect what was mine from someone on the periphery and whose opinion doesn't matter.
My relationships have had a lot of freedom as well...I think its healthy to maintain friends and interests but when you are in a marriage you should put each other first. "Let no man put asunder" is the phrase......and you would have a vested interest in keeping those bonds secure.
|
|
|
Post by snerdley on Dec 26, 2011 8:51:22 GMT -5
Well, in reality, if they are going to get back with an ex, you have no control over that. If your spouse isn't interested in another, someone coming on to them is not an excuse for them to break their vows or committment. Each person is simply going to do whatever they want to do. But, of course if he is spending time hanging out with an ex, then you would have to wonder.
|
|
|
Post by shirina on Dec 26, 2011 12:41:07 GMT -5
That's where the trust comes into play. It's more than the obvious trust of him not cheating on you. It's also trusting him enough to believe that if a woman was "coming on" to him, he wouldn't even want to hang around with her.
But as Snerdley says, if your husband/boyfriend is open to the idea of being unfaithful, then keeping him on a tight leash isn't going to change it. Where there's a will, there's a way. This is why I said earlier that I would rather give my paramour the freedom to screw up and get it over with than to waste time in a doomed relationship.
Honestly, probably not, but in truth that's not really the scenario I had in mind. I can appreciate why someone wouldn't want their paramour spending time with an ex that wants to rekindle an old relationship.
What I'm talking about, though, are men and women who demand that their paramours restructure their social lives, especially when it comes to platonic relationships with old friends. For instance, I have a male friend I've known for quite some time, and though we considered a romantic relationship when we first met, we never so much as held hands. Neither one of us have any siblings so we've grown to become to each other that brother and sister we never had. Oh he's attractive, but when we look at each other, we couldn't be any more sexually attracted to each other than we could be to real siblings. He and I are family to each other. Yet both of us have dealt with jealous and paranoid paramours demanding we stop spending time together.
I disagree. Now, maybe if the ex has only been an ex for a couple of months, I can see the problem. But if a former couple have been apart for years, I doubt there is any danger and, yes, they can be friends.
And if you think all exes are out to destroy your relationship, well, that is a bit paranoid. If you think your husband or boyfriend would be so easily manipulated into cheating on you, then you apparently a) have little self-confidence or b) have little confidence in your paramour.
These sorts of "maybe this" or "could be that" thoughts are precisely the kind of insecure notions that one dreams up while sitting at home biting one's nails. Like with everything else, I demand proof or some pretty solid evidence before I go looking for problems that may not even exist.
Like I said in one of my original posts (to ISA): Love is destructive because of the territorial, possessive nature of it. You're only assisting my argument.
I don't believe in putting anyone "first" ... which, I suppose, is why I'm not the marrying kind. The only time this becomes relevant to me is when there are scheduling conflicts. Then my paramour will get my attention first. I also weight each opportunity. A friend visiting from out of town whom I haven't seen in 5 years will get priority over just about anything my husband wants to do. A friend who needs help will get my attention before my husband who simply wants cuddle time.
I've also seen this "putting them first" expectation horrifically abused. For instance, a group of us made plans with a friend literally six months in advance, and the friend told his wife. But, when it actually came time to carry out those plans, his wife whined and said, "But I was hoping to have a romantic night together!" Well, my friend caved, and because he was the lynch pin to our plans, all of us took the shaft right up the backside.
I've also seen it used as a "test" to see just how much the paramour is willing to sacrifice as "proof" of his/her love. Like the above example, the "test" usually occurs when, say, the husband makes plans for the coming weekend with friends. Suddenly the wife wants all of this "quality time" together that same weekend just to see if the husband will choose her over his friends.
I detest game playing like that, but it happens ALL the time.
|
|
moxie
Not so new Crapster
SF Shades of Blues
Posts: 205
|
Post by moxie on Dec 26, 2011 12:43:26 GMT -5
Roy...I didn't get my black Avalanche, so I will be available soon... ;D Call me...
|
|
|
Post by roygrip on Dec 26, 2011 13:38:38 GMT -5
Roy...I didn't get my black Avalanche, so I will be available soon... ;D Call me...
Plannin' on it......... Let me know ;D
|
|
|
Post by Spellbound454 on Dec 26, 2011 13:51:17 GMT -5
His wife would have been far more important to him than his friends. She would have been his support, his lover, mother of his kids (?) his life partner, the person he loves, invested plans in.. and has vowed to grow old with. Seems a bit mean to have done as you said...but the position he is in would be non negotiable. Whenever I've been in a marriage....my friends become his friends and vice versa....if we were to go away...we would all go together. and yet many marriages are ended because of this very reason....or they have a crisis which is difficult to get over. The percentages for cheating are quite high. according to the Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy, approximately 50 percent married women and 60 percent of married men will have an extramarital affair at some time in their marriage. Not when you are in love....you would want to spend the time together anyway.
|
|
moxie
Not so new Crapster
SF Shades of Blues
Posts: 205
|
Post by moxie on Dec 26, 2011 14:06:13 GMT -5
Today at 1:43pm, Merry Cloggie wrote:Roy...I didn't get my black Avalanche, so I will be available soon... Call me... Plannin' on it......... Let me know ^LMAO!! ;D *I want a honeymoon in Tahiti though.
|
|
moxie
Not so new Crapster
SF Shades of Blues
Posts: 205
|
Post by moxie on Dec 26, 2011 14:09:48 GMT -5
Listen...what it all comes down to is teamwork, common interests, quality time together, respect and trust and most importantly, A SENSE OF HUMOR!! IMO
|
|
moxie
Not so new Crapster
SF Shades of Blues
Posts: 205
|
Post by moxie on Dec 26, 2011 14:22:22 GMT -5
"Well, in reality, if they are going to get back with an ex, you have no control over that. If your spouse isn't interested in another, someone coming on to them is not an excuse for them to break their vows or committment. Each person is simply going to do whatever they want to do. But, of course if he is spending time hanging out with an ex, then you would have to wonder."
If your guy wants to cheat, would you want him anyways? Not me! Let him go...
|
|
moxie
Not so new Crapster
SF Shades of Blues
Posts: 205
|
Post by moxie on Dec 26, 2011 14:27:30 GMT -5
Seriously, I look at Hillary Clinton, Demi Moore, Representative Weiner's wife, etc. and I think...you are all rich and married to cheatin', lyin', arrogant, selfish LOSERS...WTH is wrong with you??? Let them go!! Who NEEDS or WANTS a man like THAT?!? I don't care how many years they have been together. I'd rather be SINGLE and having FUN than be with a guy like THAT! Have some self respect, ladies!!
|
|
|
Post by roygrip on Dec 26, 2011 15:21:29 GMT -5
Today at 1:43pm, Merry Cloggie wrote:Roy...I didn't get my black Avalanche, so I will be available soon... Call me... Plannin' on it......... Let me know ^LMAO!! ;D *I want a honeymoon in Tahiti though.
No problem! I rented an 8ft dinghy with a 4hp outboard....... It'll be fun ;D
|
|
|
Post by shirina on Dec 26, 2011 16:11:45 GMT -5
I think you're missing the point. The wife should be saying, "Have a great time with your friends, dear," instead of trying to manipulate him into staying home. Like I said, those plans were made six months in advance, and the wife KNEW about those plans. She was being a little selfish brat.
I can understand some people might push it to the extreme. You have to spend some time with your paramour and can't run out every night, but seriously ... why does it all come down to bending to the will of selfishness and petty petulance?
There shouldn't be such a thing as "non-negotiable" in a marriage. Everything should be negotiable. In this case, my friend should have put his foot down and said he was spending time with us. Period. End of story. Just because she's his wife doesn't mean he should have to cave in to her every whimsical desire. And that was definitely whimsy at play.
Marriages are all about compromises, and his wife can make a few of her own. It shouldn't always be about what SHE wants. That's how Princesses are formed.
I can't be limited to that. It is not uncommon for an event to come up that my paramour doesn't enjoy, or his friends don't enjoy, or some other combination thereof. If everyone has to go or no one goes, it's a wonder anyone does anything at all.
And why do you suppose that is? Again it comes down to this: If my paramour is going to cheat, he's going to cheat. There's not a whole lot I can do about that, and I won't give in to the paranoia. I would sometimes worry that it would happen, but I'm not going to act upon it - I just simply refuse to turn into a whipmistress whose marriage is governed by fear.
If you're that convinced that letting him out of your sight is going to result in infidelity, then I hope you sign a prenup with anyone you marry.
That passes. Of course you still want to spend time with your lover, but in a mature relationship, that feeling of crazed hysteria whenever he's not around goes away. There is a massive difference in how relationships between older and younger people are run, and that maturity difference is enormous. Those who still have to spend every waking second with their lover haven't matured, in my opinion.
|
|